hOw 2 aVoiD AliEn aBdUcTioN


1. Never sleep in a room which has french windows. In the event of an abduction, these will unlock and fly open leaving you exposed to be sucked out and away.
2. Eat radishes. It has been proven that, in the same way that garlic scares vampires, Aliens are terrified of radish-eaters.
3. Keep you mouth closed. There is a growing trend among younger Aliens to leap down the throat of an unsuspecting human. Contrary to popular belief, this is nothing to do with mind control or laying eggs, and is usually the result of a dare. The parents of young Aliens will then have to abduct the human in order to retreive their child.
4. Wear sunglasses at all times, even whilst sleeping. Aliens rely on bright lights to intimidate abductees, and this is an effective counter measure. The Blues Brothers knew this long before anyone else and would never remove their shades, even at night. While they did manage to avoid abduction, they ended up bruised from constantly walking into things. There is another danger in this stratedgy, however, which is that you may be mistaken for an Alien yourself. This is most likely if you're a four-foot tall naturist and wear a pair of wrap-arounds.
5. Offer to sell them things. Have with you at all times a few brochures for kitchens or windows. When abducted, launch into a huge sales pitch telling them just how much their saucer needs double glazing for those long, cold space nights. Bring a tape measure and start sizing up the galley for a refitting, just to show you mean it. In no time at all you will be sent straight back where you came from.
6. Run away. Although this may seem obvious, most aliens are at quite a disadvantage in this area. Many have extremely small legs and watching them run can be quite comical, or they have a single slimy foot which they are often embarrassed to use in public.
Hiccup!



tHe PagE oF rEdUced sAnity